i hate to be responsible. i hate to be so called reliable. whats with the good performance shit? whats with the able to depend on me? whats with doing things by the book, keeping time on the dot? whats with the need for rationality with anything and everything i do? whats with the consideration for someone else? how can someone really enjoy his life like that?
what is a free spirited life? I realised the more i'm associated with the horrible rubbish mentioned above, the less i love my life. the less passionate i feel about the things i love to do.
how can one live for someone? how can one not listen to the voice calling out from within and not follow it? some call it impulse, i call them life. we are all living with this mask covering us from head to toes, putting on a front so it pleases ur boss, ur family, ur friends. u try to be correct in everything u do, try to be efficient so that ur boss likes u, try to be obedient so that ur parents will adore u. u suffocate and mask the voice inside u. u plan ur day, u plan ur week, u plan ur year, u plan ur life. u follow ur plan. u are reliable and efficient. SO? so what? everyone loves u. SO WHAT? do u love urself for who u are? do u really love urself even u can't see the smiles on ur family and boss's faces? are u proud of urself if everyone ard is dead? what about u? who are u?
I want to spend this holiday in silence so that i can hear this voice. hear myself. listen to what i want. not what i need to do to please others. i wanna wake up in the morning and decide what i wanna do, follow my footsteps, being led by intuition and passion. not schedules and plans and motives. i'll let my legs bring me as far as i can go.
what is impossible? i believe if u listen to urself, nothing is. cos u'll be driven by passion, driven my desires. i'm feeling like this because i'm loosing passion in what i do. i'm loosing that voice in me. i'm not driven by desires anymore. its useless things like responsibilites and rationality. things which are important, but not paramount.
but what is this? all talk and little action to prove my point u may say. i agree with u.
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
Sunday, November 19, 2006
i'm only happy when it rains...
i really like it when it rains... it gives me the freedom to step out when everyone is running for shelter. the hear the sound of the splatter, to hear the sound of cars driving on a wet road, to hear rumblings in the sky, and to hear the rain drops slamming onto my window. the only think i dont like about rain is that i have to wash the car after it rains...
showers of light
added some new photos in flickr. Started to look at photography with a different attitude. Some may say this is not photography, but to me, photography is just about techniqes and equipment to give u ultra sharp pictures. I want to use my photos to express moods, movements, emotions and purpose. Ha~ quite a mouthful of big flowerly terms, but painting with light is so much more interesting than a objectified shot of objects as subjects. the entire idea of a moving eye capturing movement lights can producing unexpected images is what i am into now. sort of like an alchemist.
Friday, November 17, 2006
they will see us waving from such great heights...
it feels horrible to be driven by adrenaline everyday. sleeping only 3 hrs everynight, the only thing that drives you on was the need to get somethings done. you fool yourself to think u are not tired, not weak, not fragile, not broken. only when you reach a place that brings comfort, you realised u've crumbled into pieces and picking urself up trying to fix the broken part required an unimaginable amount of energy. not only do you realise u are took weak to pick yourself up, u realised people are kicking those pieces lying around on the floor. Kicking it into places where it will hurt alot to reach them. kicking into places where tears and sadness resides. you would then ask for help. asking people u love to pick u up. asking them to look for the missing pieces. but they simply have no idea where to start looking...they came, trampled on whats left of u, and left u more hurt and weak then ever. u were fragile, but u became broken. broken with missing pieces of you hiding in places u are too afriad to look under.
i am waiting for that day, where i have mustered enough courage and strength to look for those missing pieces. by then, they would have changed, and i hope i can still find some part of me in them. i hope it would bring comfort, familiarity and love. not loneliness, sadness, and strangness.
i am waiting for that day, where i have mustered enough courage and strength to look for those missing pieces. by then, they would have changed, and i hope i can still find some part of me in them. i hope it would bring comfort, familiarity and love. not loneliness, sadness, and strangness.
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Sunday, August 13, 2006
Friday, August 11, 2006
blinking lights and numbers
this shot was an accident. took a wrong roll of Kodak 100VS to phnom penh and end up having a double exposed shot. what i like is there is no background foreground. they kinda blended well together. the night city shot was taken from my window, and it was a 3-4 secs exposure. the numbers on the wall was taken in phnom penh, in the high sch where many cambodia people were held in captivity and eventually killed by the khmer rogue people. this shot reminded me of the film "lost in translation".
the whole of tokyo was represented as a city of blinking lights 24\7 and usually, the loneliness of the lead actress was contrasted with the background full of blinking lights and moving vehicals when she stared blankly out of her hotel window. even though the entire city was seemed to be full of activities and energy, she was seperated in another world of her own behind the glass of the hotel window. then u wonder which told a more compelling story? her, or the city of blinking lights? then they kinda switched places at times in the film, where sometimes the city presented itself full of people like her, trying to make sense of its loneliness under its flashing billboards and headlamps. and when her suddenly had burst of energy coming from within that had no influence or anything to do with the apparent energy from the city.
like this photo, i was being the quiet observer of 2 different stories. one that witness activities from a few thousand households miles from where i was standing, and one which witnessed something that happened before. one was capturing the present intensity and the on going energy, whereas the other was trying to remember what happened, capturing evidenses of history.
and the blinking lights and numbers met in this exprience.
the whole of tokyo was represented as a city of blinking lights 24\7 and usually, the loneliness of the lead actress was contrasted with the background full of blinking lights and moving vehicals when she stared blankly out of her hotel window. even though the entire city was seemed to be full of activities and energy, she was seperated in another world of her own behind the glass of the hotel window. then u wonder which told a more compelling story? her, or the city of blinking lights? then they kinda switched places at times in the film, where sometimes the city presented itself full of people like her, trying to make sense of its loneliness under its flashing billboards and headlamps. and when her suddenly had burst of energy coming from within that had no influence or anything to do with the apparent energy from the city.
like this photo, i was being the quiet observer of 2 different stories. one that witness activities from a few thousand households miles from where i was standing, and one which witnessed something that happened before. one was capturing the present intensity and the on going energy, whereas the other was trying to remember what happened, capturing evidenses of history.
and the blinking lights and numbers met in this exprience.
Monday, August 07, 2006
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
9
this is my fave photograph of the cambodia lot. scanned this from my 100vs slides. slides gave me such beautiful colours!
i like...
-the way the stool tiptoed on the floor, as it its falling down, and as if it can never hold a person's body weight. let it exist, in the corner of this killing room in cambodio, phnom penh.
-the diagonal lines of the floor tiles points to the stool.
-the light shinning thru the small window, illuminating the stool only.
-how quietly this stool sat in the corner of this room, and how it witness what happened in the room during the Khmer Rouge period. it is full of sorrow and full of grief. ths stool witnessed counltess death that occured in the room, and the only thing it could do was to watch. therefore this stool gives out an incredible amount grief, so much that it is staining the walls, the floors, and people walk away with this grief in their hearts.
i like...
-the way the stool tiptoed on the floor, as it its falling down, and as if it can never hold a person's body weight. let it exist, in the corner of this killing room in cambodio, phnom penh.
-the diagonal lines of the floor tiles points to the stool.
-the light shinning thru the small window, illuminating the stool only.
-how quietly this stool sat in the corner of this room, and how it witness what happened in the room during the Khmer Rouge period. it is full of sorrow and full of grief. ths stool witnessed counltess death that occured in the room, and the only thing it could do was to watch. therefore this stool gives out an incredible amount grief, so much that it is staining the walls, the floors, and people walk away with this grief in their hearts.
Thursday, July 20, 2006
if it makes u happy, it can't be that bad
i was having a conversation with D while driving her home about being happy. its a big topic to talk about. We can start from anywhere, talk about different groups of people, their definition of happiness, bla bla bla...
so i asked myself, what does it take for me to feel happy? In today's context, its obvious. i want to be healthy, to pass all my modules, to graduate, and be who i want to be. Boring right? i thought so too...So i went back in time, in search of my childish self (many will argue i dun have to find. i display that childish self everysingle day) to see what made me a happy kid.
when i was young, i stayed in various small towns in Malaysia. Its normally a house along a street, where kids loved to play along. i was a boring kid. No one loves to play with me. i do not have toys that i can share with them, nor i watched super hero cartoons that much so we can talk about it. Anyways, there was once, I saw this kid being chased after by a dog. It was no laughing matter! That dog, i remembered, was as big as him. He was topless, and was running and screaming at the same time. i remembered clearly it was like this,"arrghghghghg (pause) arghghghgh!!(pause) arghggg!!!(pause) arghh!!!!!!!!" it took me quite awhile to figure out that those pauses where needed for him to inhale air.
After that day, i started looking out for him, and that dog when i have the change to step out of the house, or be at the gates in the evening. Up till this day, i never figured out how he got away from that dog. Did someone safe him? Or he ran fast enough to reach his house? Or did he injure himself? i do not know. But i began to replay that scene in my head every time i stared at the road outside my house. To a point, i imagine myself to be the one being chased. When we had exercise sessions in my nursery, i would run up and down and ask my friends if my running was faster than any dog's pace. i would rehearse this fluid motion of running-bending down-picking up a rock-turn around-aim-throw at the dog sequence so that in an event of being chased by that dog, i can outrun, if not chase the dog away with my stone throwing skills.
day by day, i imagined myself as being able to outrun that dog, and being able to scare the dog away. My ego grew, and i was proud to be the one that chased away all wild dogs in the neighborhood. Kids would play with me cos in any event of mad dog attacks, i'll protect them. it made me happy! i was happy to be able to imagine how i would handle such a situation in my head while standing at the gates staring at the road everyday! i would then practice them in my own courtyard so perfect such skills. i would draw circles on the paved floor, and do a cow-boy shooting sequence like motion to practice my throwing. i would stand back face to that circle, turn around and throw at first sight of that circle. i would feel this incredible sense of achievement when i managed to hot the area of floor inside the circle.
Well, the problem is, or maybe the lack of problem is, i was never chased by a dog. i never had the chance to put that skill into practice before shifting out of that house. Well, it didn't matter anyways, cos the real pleasure and real happiness occurred in those instances where i successfully throw the stone at an imaginary dog, or when i knew i could run fast than a dog.
those were what made me happy!
so i asked myself, what does it take for me to feel happy? In today's context, its obvious. i want to be healthy, to pass all my modules, to graduate, and be who i want to be. Boring right? i thought so too...So i went back in time, in search of my childish self (many will argue i dun have to find. i display that childish self everysingle day) to see what made me a happy kid.
when i was young, i stayed in various small towns in Malaysia. Its normally a house along a street, where kids loved to play along. i was a boring kid. No one loves to play with me. i do not have toys that i can share with them, nor i watched super hero cartoons that much so we can talk about it. Anyways, there was once, I saw this kid being chased after by a dog. It was no laughing matter! That dog, i remembered, was as big as him. He was topless, and was running and screaming at the same time. i remembered clearly it was like this,"arrghghghghg (pause) arghghghgh!!(pause) arghggg!!!(pause) arghh!!!!!!!!" it took me quite awhile to figure out that those pauses where needed for him to inhale air.
After that day, i started looking out for him, and that dog when i have the change to step out of the house, or be at the gates in the evening. Up till this day, i never figured out how he got away from that dog. Did someone safe him? Or he ran fast enough to reach his house? Or did he injure himself? i do not know. But i began to replay that scene in my head every time i stared at the road outside my house. To a point, i imagine myself to be the one being chased. When we had exercise sessions in my nursery, i would run up and down and ask my friends if my running was faster than any dog's pace. i would rehearse this fluid motion of running-bending down-picking up a rock-turn around-aim-throw at the dog sequence so that in an event of being chased by that dog, i can outrun, if not chase the dog away with my stone throwing skills.
day by day, i imagined myself as being able to outrun that dog, and being able to scare the dog away. My ego grew, and i was proud to be the one that chased away all wild dogs in the neighborhood. Kids would play with me cos in any event of mad dog attacks, i'll protect them. it made me happy! i was happy to be able to imagine how i would handle such a situation in my head while standing at the gates staring at the road everyday! i would then practice them in my own courtyard so perfect such skills. i would draw circles on the paved floor, and do a cow-boy shooting sequence like motion to practice my throwing. i would stand back face to that circle, turn around and throw at first sight of that circle. i would feel this incredible sense of achievement when i managed to hot the area of floor inside the circle.
Well, the problem is, or maybe the lack of problem is, i was never chased by a dog. i never had the chance to put that skill into practice before shifting out of that house. Well, it didn't matter anyways, cos the real pleasure and real happiness occurred in those instances where i successfully throw the stone at an imaginary dog, or when i knew i could run fast than a dog.
those were what made me happy!
Saturday, July 15, 2006
go
i just wanna pack my bags again, hop on to a flight to south asia and start travelling again...
i just wanna go...
i just wanna go...
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
IMG_6237.JPG
diana ALWAYS walk into my room and say that it is messy. I'm amazed by how i work on my table too. i'm constantly running out of table space, and i think i need the turntable by Wiedenmann & Averdiek to help me solve this problem. see next post for this wonderful table that can change my life!
anyway, i was approached by one of the staff in campus crusades to design the handbook for their upcoming camp. been procrastinating it for days, and when i decided to start, i can't think of anything. the theme is 'hidden treasure' and i have no idea how to convey that in the cover page. i'm really starting to think if i can design anything at all...
anyway, i was approached by one of the staff in campus crusades to design the handbook for their upcoming camp. been procrastinating it for days, and when i decided to start, i can't think of anything. the theme is 'hidden treasure' and i have no idea how to convey that in the cover page. i'm really starting to think if i can design anything at all...
Friday, July 07, 2006
chair
first of my photos developed from film being uploaded. not happy at all with the results. its a mistake to use ISO 100 films in angkor. but i still like the colors of film. especially fuji reala, a new brand i'm trying. i have yet to send in the slides for processing, and i really really hope those 100vs will work better in phnom penh as most of them were street photography.
anyways, i took this shot in one of the morning, and i saw a lonely chair staring into the direction of angkor.
anyways, i took this shot in one of the morning, and i saw a lonely chair staring into the direction of angkor.
Thursday, June 29, 2006
waiting
cambodia is one of the places u must go if you can. NOT because of its ancient ruins, NOT because beer cost as much as coke, NOT because a pack of cigs cost u 35cents, and NOT because things are cheap (its not).
Knowing the history of a place, recognizing its influence in daily life of the people, makes u appreciate every colour, every smell and sound the city gives out. i took this photo in siem reap. apart from the angkor temples, i don't see myself visiting siem reap again. this town basically exist because of the angkor temples. almost everyone speaks english, every other person on the street is trying to sell you post cards and pirated lonely planets, and the child beggers only accepts US dollars. its a very touristy place. determined not to over indulge in tourist acitivies which is basically a super big rip off for us, we spent the 1st day exploring siem reap, walking along its dirt road, jay walking in triple-quadruple traffic lanes, and try not to be knock down by tuk tuks. nothing much to explore really...i was disappointed. i didn't get to see where the locals stayed, what they do for a living ( the ones i saw working were the ones in the tourism industry ), and what makes cambodia, cambodia.
i named this photo 'waiting' because it seemed like most people in this part of the town are in this 'waiting' business. tuk tuk drivers waiting for tourist, people waiting for tourist to buy their stuff, locals waiting for sun to set, and enjoying that waiting with a bag of steamed snails and their friends, sitting along a river.
perhaps, my fave siem reap exprience was sitting along the river, having picnic with my friends, and giving away candies to the amazingly adorable and friendly khmer kids, who entertained us with their cheeky laughters and doing back flips jumps into the river. its my fave becuase it was that instance i felt like a local. locals enter angkor for free, and they love to go there after work or sch, to enjoy the sunset outside angkor wat. they have picnics there, and they bring their kids there to play in the river. i guess we were the only few tourist who paid 40 USD for a picnic outside angkorwat, and still feel that it is worth every dollar we paid for.
trust me, its not a plesent exprience to be surrounded by middle aged tourist who can't stop taking photos of themselves with angkor wat as the background just to make sure they get back every bit of that 40usd entrance fee.
Knowing the history of a place, recognizing its influence in daily life of the people, makes u appreciate every colour, every smell and sound the city gives out. i took this photo in siem reap. apart from the angkor temples, i don't see myself visiting siem reap again. this town basically exist because of the angkor temples. almost everyone speaks english, every other person on the street is trying to sell you post cards and pirated lonely planets, and the child beggers only accepts US dollars. its a very touristy place. determined not to over indulge in tourist acitivies which is basically a super big rip off for us, we spent the 1st day exploring siem reap, walking along its dirt road, jay walking in triple-quadruple traffic lanes, and try not to be knock down by tuk tuks. nothing much to explore really...i was disappointed. i didn't get to see where the locals stayed, what they do for a living ( the ones i saw working were the ones in the tourism industry ), and what makes cambodia, cambodia.
i named this photo 'waiting' because it seemed like most people in this part of the town are in this 'waiting' business. tuk tuk drivers waiting for tourist, people waiting for tourist to buy their stuff, locals waiting for sun to set, and enjoying that waiting with a bag of steamed snails and their friends, sitting along a river.
perhaps, my fave siem reap exprience was sitting along the river, having picnic with my friends, and giving away candies to the amazingly adorable and friendly khmer kids, who entertained us with their cheeky laughters and doing back flips jumps into the river. its my fave becuase it was that instance i felt like a local. locals enter angkor for free, and they love to go there after work or sch, to enjoy the sunset outside angkor wat. they have picnics there, and they bring their kids there to play in the river. i guess we were the only few tourist who paid 40 USD for a picnic outside angkorwat, and still feel that it is worth every dollar we paid for.
trust me, its not a plesent exprience to be surrounded by middle aged tourist who can't stop taking photos of themselves with angkor wat as the background just to make sure they get back every bit of that 40usd entrance fee.
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
angkor wat
this would be the first cambodia photo for this blog. sunrise, AngKorWat. we woke up at 4 am, skipped breakfast, and took a tuk tuk at 5am just to watch this. if u ask me, i dun mind sleeping over at the entrance gates of angkor to see this again.
i only uploaded my digital camera photos. i have yet to develope my slides and negatives. i HOPE that they will be much better than the digitial images. i couldn't capture the depth and essence of the stone temples in angkor. the lack of shadows due to overcast skies made my photos really flat and blend.
i only uploaded my digital camera photos. i have yet to develope my slides and negatives. i HOPE that they will be much better than the digitial images. i couldn't capture the depth and essence of the stone temples in angkor. the lack of shadows due to overcast skies made my photos really flat and blend.
Saturday, June 24, 2006
finally getting some rest
Its been a really crazy holiday for me. NO, i did not work, did not apply for any internship, and i dont intent to. but i travelled to places. in this 2 months, I went KL, Penang, SiemReap and Phnom Penh. The trip to malaysia was for a design module about conservation and adaptive reuse. mostly learning about old straits settlement shophouses, and we had our site and site analysis in Penang. the trip to cambodia, was so far, the thoughest trip in my life. not just physically though (the steps and climbing we had to do in Angkor), but emotionally disturbing as well. the trip to Phnom Penh really opened up my eyes to many issues singaporeans do not even reg their exsistance. i was hoping to do a proper write up of my trip to siemreap and phnom penh, after i developed my photos. oh yeah, i dropped my SLR twice in this trip. first was it being swung down from my shoulders hitting the step/wall of one of the temples i had to go on all 4s to climb, and second time was when i was getting of a van in the streets of phnom penh. was thinking of developing them in either photohub or RGB on monday. then i'll spend a few days looking at those photos and recall what i felt during the time of taking those photos.
Its very late now, and i can't really write. i hope to write more about the cambodia trip again when i'm feeling better. i hope time will not distill my perplexities, emotions and the great sense of heaviness when i think about cambodia, its history and its present state.
i guess the best way to describe this country is how sydney, the main character of the movie "the killing fields" referred cambodia as a "sad little country".
good night
Its very late now, and i can't really write. i hope to write more about the cambodia trip again when i'm feeling better. i hope time will not distill my perplexities, emotions and the great sense of heaviness when i think about cambodia, its history and its present state.
i guess the best way to describe this country is how sydney, the main character of the movie "the killing fields" referred cambodia as a "sad little country".
good night
Saturday, May 27, 2006
LOVEPENANG#1
a series done in penang, photographing life and architecture in penang. there is something about penang that attracts me alot.
I AM
I AM...
ARCHITECTURE STUDENT
PART TIME PHOTOGRAPHER
GOD FEARING
ADREAMER
WEIRD
YOURS TRUELY
WELCOME TO 3HIRTY6IXFRAMES.BLOGSPOT.COM
THIS WILL PRETTY MUCH BE A PHOTOBLOG, AND MAYBE
SOME NONSENSE FROM ME. NONE OF MY PHOTOS ARE NICE AND WORTH MENTIONING, BUT THEY REPRESENT WHAT I SEE. ENJOY.
ARCHITECTURE STUDENT
PART TIME PHOTOGRAPHER
GOD FEARING
ADREAMER
WEIRD
YOURS TRUELY
WELCOME TO 3HIRTY6IXFRAMES.BLOGSPOT.COM
THIS WILL PRETTY MUCH BE A PHOTOBLOG, AND MAYBE
SOME NONSENSE FROM ME. NONE OF MY PHOTOS ARE NICE AND WORTH MENTIONING, BUT THEY REPRESENT WHAT I SEE. ENJOY.
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