its getting heavier

i hate to be responsible. i hate to be so called reliable. whats with the good performance shit? whats with the able to depend on me? whats with doing things by the book, keeping time on the dot? whats with the need for rationality with anything and everything i do? whats with the consideration for someone else? how can someone really enjoy his life like that?

what is a free spirited life? I realised the more i'm associated with the horrible rubbish mentioned above, the less i love my life. the less passionate i feel about the things i love to do.
how can one live for someone? how can one not listen to the voice calling out from within and not follow it? some call it impulse, i call them life. we are all living with this mask covering us from head to toes, putting on a front so it pleases ur boss, ur family, ur friends. u try to be correct in everything u do, try to be efficient so that ur boss likes u, try to be obedient so that ur parents will adore u. u suffocate and mask the voice inside u. u plan ur day, u plan ur week, u plan ur year, u plan ur life. u follow ur plan. u are reliable and efficient. SO? so what? everyone loves u. SO WHAT? do u love urself for who u are? do u really love urself even u can't see the smiles on ur family and boss's faces? are u proud of urself if everyone ard is dead? what about u? who are u?

I want to spend this holiday in silence so that i can hear this voice. hear myself. listen to what i want. not what i need to do to please others. i wanna wake up in the morning and decide what i wanna do, follow my footsteps, being led by intuition and passion. not schedules and plans and motives. i'll let my legs bring me as far as i can go.

what is impossible? i believe if u listen to urself, nothing is. cos u'll be driven by passion, driven my desires. i'm feeling like this because i'm loosing passion in what i do. i'm loosing that voice in me. i'm not driven by desires anymore. its useless things like responsibilites and rationality. things which are important, but not paramount.

but what is this? all talk and little action to prove my point u may say. i agree with u.